The men's room can sometimes be a place for awkward interactions. Sure, we hope that won't be the case, but it isn't always possible. Sometimes other men break the code, and that's bad. The code is simple; walk in, pee or deficate, and walk out. Hopefully you manage to wash your hands too.
We were in between shows at the Comedy Club in Ogden, when I decided to take a pee-pee break(I can call it that if I want). I walked in, and there was a small line. Two guys waiting were jabbering like crazy, and they were loud. Not a huge deal to me, but the dude at the urinal took issue. He leaned back, turned his head toward the rear, and yelled.
"Hey! Can you guys shut up!!!" he exclaimed. "I can't pee with all your talking!!! You're giving me stage-fright!!!"
The other guys stopped talking for at least a moment. It seemed like only a few seconds before they started up again.
"Heeeeeyyyy!!! What's your problem!!!! I'm trying to pee here!!!"
He zipped up and stepped away. My turn. I have no problem with the talking. I can pee anywhere. After I was done, the same guy stepped up to try again.
"Alright!!! You guys better shut up this time!!! I really need to do this!!! I need to go bad!!!"
I didn't hang around for the outcome. It was time to get ready for the show. The moment that made me laugh however was just after I was introduced as the emcee. The second I stepped on stage, I could hear that same loud, aggravated voice.
I swear I'm a nice guy. Really!!! Still, what my daughter said to me some days ago made me wonder. I had just got home from work and sat down at the dinner table. My six year-old looked at me very matter-of-factly and said,
"Dad, Mom and me have had a bad day so you don't need to come home and just start yelling at me."
What!!! Immediately, I started scanning my brain, going over my usual come home routine in my head.
Uhhh... come home, put stuff down, check e-mail, walk upstairs, sit down for dinner...
...
...start yelling??? Huh? That doesn't sound right!!!
After talking with her more, I learned that she had just been in a lot of trouble with her Mom that day and her comment was a reflection of that. At one point, I asked her,
A lot of people say a lot of crazy things at shows. Usually it's an obnoxious drunk person, trying to become part of the act. Sometimes it's just a really odd response someone gives as you try to work the crowd. The one I heard Friday was well, neither.
There was a group of girls in the front row to the left of me. It happened as I got into my Asian material. I started with my usual setup.
"People are always trying to guess my race," I'd say. "I'm Half-White, Half-Asian..."
"I knew it!" One of the girls exclaimed to her friends.
That was pretty much out loud. It was the next part that I don't think I was supposed to hear. It was a bit lower. More of a pronounced whisper.
Hey folks! The wife and I have entered a video contest for CheapOair. Our video has made the final five, and if we get enough votes we could win a trip to Europe! Please help us win by casting your vote. All you have to do is leave a comment on the CheapOair blog. PLEASE VOTE!!! It was a fun vid. Check it out. My wife slapped me. We did several takes with that shot, so she slapped me lots of times. She said she wanted to get it just right, but they all seemed fine to me. It was just one take with all the other shots. Oh well. VOTE HERE.
When I was young, my Mom taught me that it is bad to waste food. Somewhere along the way, I do believe there was mention that if I did so I would somehow inflict harm upon starving children in Africa. That lesson has become ingrained in my psyche. To this day, I feel guilty at the very thought of letting some portion of food go to waste. This is why I have a hard time turning down the free food at work. I believe I've blogged about this before, maybe two years ago or something. But my recent behavior over the past two days has reminded me that I have a real problem with the free food at work! Here's what I took in yesterday:
-One breakfast orange roll -Lunch at Cafe Rio, and a Tres Leche for dessert -One Glazed Donut
The day before was bad too. I had:
-Some Kentucky Fried Chicken. That new grilled chicken. It was good and greasy. -The remnants of some kind of strawberry cream cake thingy. -Two rolls covered in some kind of cream cheese spread. -I also ate leftovers from home that I brought for lunch; a hamburger and a yogurt.
Again, this was all free food. I did use some willpower though. There were some chocolate-orange candies that I left alone. Those African children would be proud, but somehow I don't think my Mom would be.
Had some decent shows this weekend. Worked with Bone Hampton, who was very funny. He did this thing where he watched each of the comics before him, and then made fun of them during his set. For me it was something like, "We had a Latino comedian up here, trying to tell us he Half-Asian!!! I know a Latino when I see one, and you is a Latino! You one of those Hernandez boys!!!"
I can't remember it exactly. It was probably funnier if you were there. Crap, I wonder if I was really adopted and my parents never had the heart to tell me.
Here I go, trying to resurrect this blog once again. I seriously lack the motivation to do so lately. I think twitter is the new blog. Most people don't have the time or patience to read a whole blog post. A quick, one-line update seems better suited for today's short attention-span society. Still, I like having a sort of journal, and I know some people... maybe like three or four, acutally used to read this. So maybe if I post again, people will read again.
Anyway, I had a fun time performing at the University of Minnesota this past weekend. The folks at the Asian-American Student Union were nice enough to fly me out and pay me to perform at their annual Spring Banquet. I was part of a two-hour long program. Actually, it was supposed to be two hours, but I think it ended up closer to three. I got to emcee the event, and do about 20 minutes of material.
I've done a variety of events and venues in my short 5-plus years as a comic, but this was my first time performing for a crowd of pretty much only Asians. There were around 400 there! I was somewhat unsure about how it would go over. I thought maybe the reaction would be different than my usual crowds, and it was. It was a good different. It's great when you see that so many people can relate to what you're talking about. I know a lot of my Asian-based material can be very self-depricating, but it's all a reflection of the crap I went through as a kid... and sometimes still go through as an adult. Then again, maybe I'm expecting people to read way too much into what are really just jokes.
Either way it was a great time. There were a number of student acts in the show, and three other performers that they brought in; a dancer named Kenichi Ebina, the all-Asian rock band Seriously, and all-Asian R&B group IBU. They were all very impressive.
Here's a few pictures from the show. I didn't take a lot. I'm still not great at photo-blogging. I took a few during the event, and afterwards just about everytime someone asked to get a picture with me, I would say, "Hey! Get one for me too." So here ya go...
Every once in a while, I get a crazy new idea that I think might magically transform my comedy act and make me an overnight success. I'm not sure why I do this. Things seem to be progressing at a fairly normal pace right now. Maybe be it's because a few well-known comics have gotten big success by making one drastic change. For example, Dan Whitney was your average stand up comic for a long time, until he decided to start acting like a really stoopid redneck. Now he's "Larry The Cable Guy." Maybe that's a bad example. I don't want to be the next cable guy. That guy's annoying.
Anyhow, my big idea last week was to try a lot of current event and political humor. I guess it started with one or two bits that worked. Then I realized that it didn't seem hard for me to write a few more bits based on stuff from the news. The punchlines seemed to come easily. I thought maybe I could develop a ten-minute part of my set and keep it going with timely material that would be constantly re-written and re-worked. Easier said than done.
Saturday night I went on stage with a lot of my usual stuff, and maybe three or four new pieces of material ripped from the headlines. I also tried one new observational bit that I was sure wouldn't work, but decided to do anyway.
Much to my surprise the current event, monologue type material fell pretty flat. However the observational bit which is more like the stuff I usually do, worked surprisingly well.
It was a worth a try I guess. I've tried several other radical changes over the years that haven't worked out either, including...
-Being monotone and as dry as possible all the time. -Doing only Asian material all the time. -Trying to make myself much more animated than I normally am. -Doing mostly one-liners all the time. -Telling long stories instead of short jokes. -Wearing a dress on stage.
Okay, I made the last one up but you get the idea. Once again, I learn that being myself is what works for me. There's no magic change that's gonna give me instant success. Dang it!!! It's like I'm gonna have to work at this.
I was at the local mall with my two daughters. We were trying to leave when I became the target of a saleswoman at a kiosk. I quickly looked away, but it was too late. I can't remember what she said to accost me, but it didn't matter. Just as I tried to say "no thanks," she already had my wrists, firmly gripped in her hands.
"Let me look at your hands," she said.
Almost instantly, her face took on a very surprised look.
"Oh my..." she started.
Usually when a woman comments on my hands, it's on how soft they are for a man. Guys however don't comment. Probably because it would be kind of awkward for a man to say,
"Dude, your hands feel nice!"
Anyway, what she said next was a bit unexpected.
"Do you work in construction!!!???" she gasped.
At first I thought I'd really let myself go. My once supple hands were now tarnished. I then realized this was more of a ploy; part of the sales pitch. Before I could react, she quickly grabbed a glob of a goopy, crystallized substance and put it in my palm.
"Here, rub this in your hands," she started. "All over. Now you are exfoliating."
I usually try not to exfoliate, especially not in public. It is not a masculine thing to do. In this case, I did not have a choice. It was a forced exfoliation.
She continued to explain that the solution contained salt from the Dead Sea. As I rinsed in a bowl, the water quickly turned a brown color.
"Look at all that dirt that came off your hands!!!" she exclaimed. My first reaction was to make sure the back of my hands were still tan. They were. Phew. I was relieved to see that I was still my quasi-ethnic self.
I dried off. I thought we were done, but no. She then put a yellow-colored goop in my hands. It was lotion, made with some kind of butter. Maybe it was coco-butter. I'm not sure. I only remember that she said lotion and butter. And that I really wanted to leave.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
I thought it was a bit greasy, but that's not what I said.
"Uh, yeah it's very nice. My wife would be into this, but it's not really for me."
"Well when was the last time you surprised your wife???" she persisted. She was pretty good with the sales pitch, but not good enough.
"These two products are usually seventy dollars each..."
Yikes! Apparently that pretty-smelling, flowery stuff my wife gets at Bath & Body Works is for poor people. If you want a real hand treatment, you gotta' spend some real money. The surprising my wife thing is gonna' have to wait... again.
I'm done exfoliating for a very long time. I'm keeping my manly dirt... and my money.
